BOOB JOB

Did you see it?

Madonna’s boob?

A few weeks ago in all the press?

I passed.

Actually, I looked but the photo was fuzzy.

But is that what her talent has boiled down to?

Is that all people care to see of her…

Is her boob?

And besides…

It’s soooooooooo Janet Jackson.

But who am I to judge?

Maybe showing boobies…

Is the next phase of marketing.

Imagine a time…

When a well-known author…

Or even YOU…

Has a bit of a slump in sales…

And to increase sales…

The publicist wants her/you to show a boob...

Either a photo...
Included on the inside a sealed jacket cover…

Or, during at a book signing.

Just think of the publicity!

HOO YEAH!

Thankfully, that day isn’t here yet.

But tell me…

Have you…

Or would you…

Do something outrageous to increase sales?

What would it be?

And guys…

You can comment too, but sorry…

Doubt anyone cares about seeing your boobies.

Always, Em-Musing

IT'S A JUNGLE OUT THERE

Aw…

Didn’t mean to frighten anyone about Mexico…

Because the truth is…

Police here are considered ‘preventive’ law enforcement...

Unlike cops in the States...
Who show up after an incident or crime.
With tourism here on the Rivera Maya…

Being the only industry…

The Mexican government...
Wants to deter crime and not scare the tourists...

Because that would mean the locals wouldn’t have work.

And actually?…

When people ask me if I’m afraid to travel…

I say, “Oh yeah! You betcha!

When I travel to the States that is...
Like, Detroit, Chicago, Philly..

And yup…

Even some parts of my beloved New York City.”

And just like NYC’s finest…

Who are on almost every corner…

The policia here in Mexico…

Are ever vigilant too.

There, there…

Feel better now?

Please don’t be afraid to visit me…

When my retreat is up and running…

The only thing that you might encounter…

Are the chongos (monkeys) in the jungle.

Always, Em-Musing

AUTO IMMUNE

NOTES TO SELF...

While going thru Mexican police check points:

Do not laugh like a hyena…

No matter how funny your thought is…

You will look like a lunatic...
And you will be pulled over.

Don’t sing if they can’t hear the music…

You’ll look like a nut job..

And you will get pulled over.

Do not take a policia’s picture…

N0 matter how hot he looks in his uniform…

You will get pulled over.

Do not stare at a policia too long….

You’ll look guilty of something…

And you will get pulled over.

Do not drive faster than a turtle…

As you go over the topes (speed bumps)….

You’ll look like you’re evading…

And you will get pulled over.

And sometimes for no reason…

You will get pulled over.

But not to worry…

The policia are polite…

They will shake your hand…

Look through your car, ask where you live…

And then you’re on your way.

Now, if you’re driving down the highway...

And are speeding and get pulled over…

Not to worry. All you have to do is smile...

Show them your car's registration...

And answer their questions.

Unfortunately, I don’t speak enough Spanish…

But I do speak the international language….

That everyone knows (and is expected here)...

I just pull out 200 pesos ($20 bucks)…

We both smile…

And we’re both on our way.

How about you?

Ever bribe a policeman? Or anyone?

Always, Em-Musing

I FEEL FAINT. YES! YES!

HAHAHAHAHAH!

Sorry for my fit of hysteria–laughing fit that is…

But I came upon a juicy historical tidbit…

While researching the history of ‘swoon’ .

Seems swooning…

Was a common occurrence in the nineteen century...

Which often led to female hysteria.

This from Wikipedia:

“Female hysteria The second most common theory

for the predominance of fainting couches is the home

treatment of female hysteria through manual pelvic

massage by home visiting doctors and midwives.

As a ‘disease’ that needed constant, recurring

(usually weekly) in-home treatment with a procedure

that, through manual massage, could sometimes take

hours, the need for specialized furniture for maximum

comfort during the extended procedure arose.

Later, the creation of fainting rooms for privacy 
during the intimate massage procedure were built.”

HAHAHAHAHAH!

Oh, you genteel ladies of the nineteen century…

You had it going ON!

And those doctors! What a scam!
I can imagine a scenario something like this:

A husband leaving for work leans down to kiss his wife…

“What are your plans for the day, my dear?”

“The doctor is coming over.”

“Again?”

“How dare you question my pelvic massages!”

“Settle down I didn’t mean to offend you.”

“You’re always doubting my disease! Waaaaaaaaaaaaa!”

“No don’t faint! OK, OK! I’ll call the doctor now.”

Wow, what a scam.

So while the women didn’t have voting rights back then…

They did have ‘fainting couches’!

And…

Husbands that went along with the scam!

HAHAHAHAHAHAH!

And I can imagine another scenario….

Guests arrive for a party at this couple’s house.

“Please, come in and have a seat,” the hosts say.

The couple looks around at the seating options..

But the only place left is the ‘fainting couch’.

“Uh, no thanks,” the pastor and his wife say, 
“We’ll stand.”

HAHAHAHAHAH! 
So?
Isn't history fun? 
What fun stuff have you ever discovered?

Always, Em-Musing

EMOTIONAL-LETTING

As Papa said…

Papa Hemingway, that is:

“There is nothing to writing.

All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.”
And no, I’m not comparing my writing to Papa…

But I do understand what he means.

I got a critique back recently…

Yeeow!

What does she mean my characters are cardboard?

And my protagonist doesn’t have enough emotions?

So I took a deep breath and read…

And reread….

And reread

What was the problem?

I understood exactly what my character was feeling.

(light bulb goes on here)

Um yeah…‘I understood’ being the operative words.

Obviously, what my character was feeling wasn’t obvious.

And so I sat to rewrite…

And I sat…

And sat…

And sat.

Damn this is hard.

I mean, c'mon on!
I think short thoughts.

I write short sentences. (duh)

But emotions I guess, shouldn’t be short.

I don’t know if it’s AADD…

Or I block emotions…

But it’s hard for me...

To stay with feeling too long.

But blocked emotions are not conducive..

To writing emotional stories.

So I put on a Rick Braun CD…

And allowed myself to f e e l.

Half way through the CD, I was balling my eyes out.

Jeeze! Why? His music never seemed sad before.

But I stuck with it…

All the way to end of chapter one.

Lord! This was harder than I thought.

And if like Papa…

I have to bleed to write...
I'm going to need a  transfusion...
To get through the whole manuscript.

What about you?

How deep does your prose go?

How hard do you suffer for your characters?

Or do you?

Always, Em-Musing

EATS MEETS RETREATS

Moving to Mexico…

I was excited about my future…

So many new adventures, a new home…

And of course my writer’s retreat.

But I wasn’t sure…

If I’d find any writers to connect with.

And then one night at a dinner party...

I met Donnala…

Owner of Tiramisu…

A beautiful restaurant on the marina.

 

Originally here from Connecticut…

She’s been in Mexico almost 15 years.

“So what brought you to Mexico," she asked me.

“I want to open a spiritual writer’s retreat.”

“I’m a writer,” she said.

Wow, this was cool.

“I’m also a reiki master and shamanic sound healer.

Way cool!

“So, where is your land?” Donnala asked.

“In Akumal on the jungle side.”

“Where  in Akumal?”

“Rancho San Martin.”

“What lot?”

“Number 14.”

Donnala threw her head back and laughed

OK, she’s had waaaaay too much wine!.

I was about to dismiss her tipsy conversation when…

“I own lot number 15” Donnala said.

Wow, what were the odds?

“And I came here to open a writer’s retreat.”

We stared at each other…

I mean really? What are the chances…

Of both of us buying land in Mexico...
Across from each other…

And both of us wanting to build a writer’s retreat?

I don’t know if you believe in fate, or serendipity…

But I do. And my jaw is still hung open.

Meet Donnala...

This photo was taken the day she did a blessing for my land.


 She’s written and illustrated a poetry book, 
Entitled, Hammock Sutra…

And, eh hem…

You’ll have to ask her how she knows what she knows.

Here’s a link to her blog.

Please hop over and take a peek…
So?

Do you believe in fate?

Have you ever encountered such serendipity?

Always, Em-Musing

Donnala put her retreat dreams on hold when

she opened her restaurant, but now says I’ve

inspired her. She plans to build her home in

the jungle and help me with my retreat

and promises she's going to teach me 
laugh yoga. HAHAHAHAHAH!

IT'S NOISY UP HERE, HEAR?

I hear voices…

In my head.

If I told that to a psychiatrist…

I might be diagnosed as schizophrenic or delusional.

But hello? I’m a writer…

And don’t all writers hear voices?

Like the characters in their stories…

Who have conversations between themselves…

And even argue, laugh and cry…

And sometimes coo words of seduction?

Then there’s the ‘inner critic’ voice…

You know…

That voice that's always putting you down…

Saying things like:
Your writing stinks!

Who do you think you are, Hemingway?

There are so many books out there…

Do you think yours can compete?

Yeah, that voice needs to be smacked.

And there’s the 'guilt' voice…

That’s always nagging at you:

You're spending too much time writing…

You should be doing more with your family…

You're not making any money at this...

How many more years are you going to waste?

But then there’s another voice...

Beneath all the chatter…

A timid voice…

That whispers to your soul…

You are a good writer…

Keep going. You will be published one day…

People will love your stories.

No matter what anyone says, I'm proud of you.

And then…

Oh so softly, I hear children’s voices…

A chorus sweetly singing:

This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine…

Let it shine. Let it shine. Let it shine.

But then...

BOOYAH!!

The Loudmouth shows up…

Wagging her head and strutting back and forth ranting:

That's right! My light is sho NUFF gonna shine!
I’ll show everyone!

I’m gonna be a York Times bestselling author!

My book is gonna be made into a movie!

And Meryll Streep is gonna play the lead!
Ya’ll will be begging for my autograph!
And ya'll will be sorry for all the mean things you said!

SHADDUP!!!

Phew!

Thankfully the other voices...
Know how to squelch the Loudmouth.

So tell me?

Do you hear voices?

Which ones are the loudest?
And do any of them have accents?

Always, Em-Musing

DARWIN'S KITCHEN

When I entered my kitchen this morning…

To make coffee—OW!

I stubbed my toe—again!

And it’s not because I’m a klutz…

Although I’ve been known to be one…

But rather it’s because there is no toe kick…

And that’s not all that’s wrong in this kitchen either…

The counters are not high enough…

So I’m forever leaning over at an angle…

That hurts my back.

And there is no logic to how the cabinets are placed…

The whole room just doesn’t function well.

And then suddenly…

Like a spark of lightening…

A thought struck…

Hmm?

I didn’t see this kitchen being built…

Let alone see the builder who built it…

In fact, I don’t even know who the builder is…

And the flow of this kitchen…

Defies intelligent design.

So?

The only conclusion I can come up with is…

My kitchen came into existence by mere chance…

Random molecules of wood, ceramic tile, and stainless steel…

Must have either BANGED into each other haphazardly…

Or swam around in some primordial tropical soup…

And after some “time”—voila! The kitchen appeared…

With sink, cabinets, countertop…

And all the appliances in place.

No, it’s not perfect…

But I believe that after enough “time”…

This kitchen will evolve and be flawless.

For now though….

I’m just wondering…

How long will it take my coffeemaker…

To advance into a higher species…

And become an espresso machine?

Always, Em-Musing

I FEEL BAD

I couldn’t let the day pass…

Without mentioning the passing of Nora Ephron…

If you’ve never heard of her…

Check this Wikipedia link…

But her screenplays for:

When Harry Met Sally…

Sleepless in Seattle…

You’ve Got Mail…

Julia & Julie…

Among many, many other accomplishments…

Will live on.

It was her appearance on Oprah’s show…

When she was plugging…

I Feel Bad About MY Neck….

A book of essays…

That I first connected with Nora.

Her kind of humor speaks to the heart of my writing.

If anyone ever asks me who my inspiration is…

It would be Nora.

(also Erma Bombeck & Jill Soloway)

Here’s one of her quotes about humor and her parents...

Who were also screenwriters.

“They believed that anything in life could be turned

Into a story. Which is really the first rule of humor. 

I don’t think you can get through almost anything 

without humor."

R.I.P Nora.
So?

Who is your inspiration for your writing?

Always, Em-Musing

A RAISIN IN THE PUN

When I finally get an agent and a publishing deal…

I’m going to hire a salesman to pitch my novel.

Why?

Because the genre and age of the readers of my book…

Might be a tough sell, or so an agent might think.

So, on my hunt for a salesman…

I’ll be specifically looking for a RAISIN salesman.

Don’t laugh.

And don’t think of the soft, plump juicy kind of raisins…

I’m talking about the kind of raisin...

That could be used as ammunition.

(here’s the backstory)

Dentist: What’d you break your tooth on, Leigh?

Me:   A raisin.

Dentist: Looks at me like I just fell off a grape harvester…

Me:  The kind of raisins in granola, I add.

Dentist:  Still looking at me strangely.

Me:  Ha, ha…just kidding.

But I wasn’t. And I’m still not.

Is it me? Or does every brand of granola…

Put the hardest, driest, no-tastingess raisins…

Into their product?

I can see it now…

A raisin factory has TONS of hard raisins…

That didn’t make the cut into breads and muffins…

The factory boss then goes to his sales team…

“Any ideas how to sell hard-as-pellet raisins?”

“No problem, says the sales team, we’ll find a way.”

An obviously they did and still do.

Because even here in Mexico…

The granola has those same pellet raisins.

Which makes me wonder…

What exactly was the salesmen’s ‘raisin’ pitch?

But more importantly…

How might the salesman…

Pitch my humorous women’s fiction novel?

Old dried up prune finds love…

Wrapped up with a younger granola bar.

Always, Em-Musing