SNORT THE KIND OF STORY TO TELL

It’s not the kind of story most people would tell…

Let alone share…

But tell it, I did…and share it with you I am.

I’m not proud of it…

But it happened because there wasn’t a creative thought in my head...

And if you're a fellow writer maybe you can empathize.

You see I  sold my house (I don't live in it anymore)...

And was there all weekend clearing it out. I was pooped!

My daughter dropped my three grandkids off…

While she and her husband moved some things.

When they left, my nine-year-old piped up…

“Grandma tell us a ghost story!” 

“Grandma? Is Papa’s ghost here? The seven-year-old asked.

“Oh, no Peanut…no. Papa is in heaven (I hope)

Well, I needed to come up with something—quick!

So they wouldn’t dwell on my deceased husband/their Papa.

But the nine-year-old beat me to it, “Grandma? Why does it stink outside?

“Well, this used to be a pig farm (true) way back when,” I replied.

When it rains long and hard you can still smell the pigs.
And from the stench of the soil arose this stinky tale…

“A long time ago there used to be a little girl who lived here...

The kids in school used to make fun of her…

And called her Pig Girl because she smelled like a pig.

The only friends she ever had were the pigs.

Well, one day, after the school kids had taunted her real bad…

Pig Girl went down to the sty, cried herself to sleep and then froze to death.

You see, it was freezing outside, and even the pigs couldn't keep her warm.

And now, at night, whenever it’s cold outside…

You can hear Pig Girl crying.”

“What does she sound like, grandma?”

“Waaa snort, waaa snort, waaa snort.”

Fast forward one hour

Ringtone  Ringtone

“Mom? What the heck kind of story did you tell the kids?

“Why?”

“They’re running around snorting and scaring the baby.”

“Umm, well…”

“Did you make up a story about a pig girl?”

“Well, yes. I uh...”

“Really mom? Is that the best story you could come up with?”

“What can I say? I was tired. And hungry!”

“And weird.”

“Ok, weird, yes, I'll admit to weird.”

So?

Ever tell a weird story? Or stupid or crazy?

What’s the worst one you told?

Always, Em-Musing

LAW-LESS

We all know...

The law of expansion and contraction…

Works with solid surfaces like metal and asphalt…

But skin?

Because of my recent country hopping…

I experienced not just different temps…

And different humidities…

But my face doing things…

Nature didn’t intend.

It’s not supposed to puff up like an adder one day…

And then shrink like shriveled snake skin the next.

And now that I’m back in Ohio with its cold weather…

My furnace is constantly belching out dry heat…

And consequently…

I, and my face weren’t prepared for this next development:

“Mom? Why do you look weird?”

“What do you mean?”

“Were you crying?”

“No, why?”

“Your eyes look smaller.”

I ran to the mirror. Dear God! They did!

Can furnace heat shrink eyeballs?

Blow up cheeks?

And produce water-filled bags under my eyes?

Later, when I got on my computer…

I Googled my conditions and—Dear God! I’m doomed!

There’s no cream to unshrink eyeballs..

No vitamin or supplement to correct blown up cheeks!

OK, there are some creams to debloat the bags under my eyes…

But come on!

Ok, fine then…

If this is how it’s going to be…

I’m going to develop a bubble…

That I can fit into…

To cart my ass around in when I travel…

So I and my face won’t be subjected to…

The law of expansion and contraction.

However, I’m still going to have to figure out…

How to get rid of…

The six pounds of traveling fat that follow me around.

So?

Am I the only one who suffers when they travel?

Always, Em-Musing

P.S. Yeah, yeah I know, humidities, unshrink, and debloate

         are not real words.

SAH...WEEEEEET!

Uhhhhmmmmm! Breathing deep

Floating...

Floating...

Floating...

Mmm! Ahh! Mmm! (Inside head)

Ahhhhhhhhhh! (Inside head)

Love...peace...contentment (inside my soul)

Hee! Hee! Hee! (Inside head)

Ha! Ha! Ha! (Inside head)

Hee! Hee! Hee! (Inside head)

I know how to stop war—laughter! (Inside head)

I know the secret to life—laughter! (Inside head)

Ha! Hee! Ha! (Inside head)

Hee! Ha! Hee! (Inside head)

Hee! Hee! Hee! (Inside head)

Four Hundred Years Later

(or so it seemed)

“Ok, Leigh, all done...

Remember, these are plastic crowns...

Go easy and don’t chew gum.”

See you in three weeks.” (dentist)

“Did you like the nitrous oxide?”(dental assistant)

(also called "sweet gas")

“Definitely! Can I get gassed next time too?” (me)

“Definitely.” (dental assistant) 

"Sweet!" (me, and every part of my mind, body and soul)

So?

Ever been gassed in the dentist’s office?

Did you feel as awesome as I did?

Always, Em-Musing

HELP! I'VE GOT WADD!

While at a social event recently…

Polite conversation was required of me…

Oh, I was and am always polite…

But a conversationalist I’m not...

And being that I wasn’t intrigued with the topic…

I had to feign interest...

“Mm hm”, I mumbled, smiling, “Oh really?” (boring!)

Some people, I’ve noticed…

Have the gift of gab…

And can talk (blather) on, and on, and on, and on…

About anything!

And that got me thinking about my writing…

I write like I speak—short.  

It’s difficult for me to write exposition…

Because I get bored with too many details—in my own story!

How can that be?

Perhaps I have WADD—Writer’s Attention Deficit Disorder?
Consequently, I’ve been told I need to set my scenes more.

And I do. I go back an edit them in.

But it's not just details in my writing...

Details also plague me when reading a book…

If an author gives too many—I skim.

I guess it’s a fine line between too much and not enough.

What about you?

Do your characters have the same speech pattern as you?

Have you found that fine line in details...

Between too much and not enough?

Does it come naturally?

Or do you hone?

And if you hone...

How did you learn?

Always, Em-Musing

PRESENT & TENSE

One of my favorite things to do…

When I travel…

Is buy a new book and read it on the plane.

This trip...

It was John Grisham’s, THE CONFESSION.

I continued reading it all the while I was in Akumal, Mexico...

And boy, I gotta tell you…

The tension Grisham puts in it…

Is the best I’ve seen in a long time.

As every writer knows…

To build tension…

You, “put your hero up a tree and throw stones at him.”

And Grisham is a master at throwing stones…

Adding conflict, and setting up roadblocks and obstacles.

Each page, each chapter  kept me on edge...

How will the hero get out of this mess.?

He's running out of time!!!Oh no! 

He killed him? Now what?

Will there be a happy ending?

Well, with one hundred more pages to go…

It was time to pack for my trip to LA.

So now I’m on the plane…

Reach into my purse for THE CONFESSION—Gone!

I checked my carryon—Not there!

OK, I said…when I get to LA…

I’ll check my checked bag—NADA!

Damn it! Are you kidding me?

I’ll go crazy if I don’t know how it ends!

And the problem is…

I know I won’t buy the book again…

I can't find the ending on the Internet, only reviews...

I doubt I’ll take the time to go to the library…

Or to Barnes & Noble and read it there because…

I'M OUT OF TIME!

I’ve sold my house…

And I've got two weeks to pack it up and clean it up!

But I need to know...

How does THE CONFESSION end?

So please...

If you know...

Can you help your fellow writer…

And tell me the ending?

Always, Em-Musing

CHANGING MIND ZONES

I’m in LA now…

Well, actually a town above the valley in the mountains…

I came in last week for the Thanksgiving weekend…

Before LA was Akumal, Mexico…

And before Akumal, Ohio.

And all I can say is…

With all the different time zones…

Something weird is happening…

Like yesterday morning…

I blissfully sat in bed in the guest room…

Jammies on, coffee on the night stand…

And wrote and wrote and wrote—heaven!

But then this morning…

When I went to Dropbox to open up the file…

It wasn’t there…

ZIP! NADA! ZILCH! ZERO!

Now I’ve got to tell you…

If I was back home in Ohio…

I’d have freaked out, gone ballistic, went into a tizzy!

If I were in Akumal…

I would have toned down a bit…

But still be perturbed, annoyed, bothered.

However, here in California…

With the San Gabriel mountains outside…

And the air clear and aromatic…

I’m peaceful. Not worried. Hopeful actually.

So while sipping my coffee…

I calmly found the files again, no problem.

Lord! What’s happening?

Could it be true about Californians?

That they have a different attitude?

Could I have caught that attitude after just a few days?

I gotta tell you. I like this new attitude. I want to keep this new attitude.

But is this merely a change in altitude?

A change in sleep patterns?

Or has my perception of a California attitude…

Become my own reality?

I’m not sure…

But I am sure going to try and keep whatever it is.

What do you think?

Have you ever experienced a new attitude…

Because your perception of something…

Altered your reality?

Always, Em-Musing

GIVE ME SOME TONGUE

I can’t!

It feels too weird!

Like I’m doing something naughty with my tongue…

That should be done in private with someone else.

I’m talking about speaking Spanish.

Every time I say words that need more tongue involvement...

I feel like I my tongue is being naughty...

And should stay inside my mouth.

But then, everyone else’s tongue who speaks Spanish…

Is doing the same thing.

So why does my tongue feel this way?

Maybe my tongue has been imprisoned by my teeth so long…

It’s afraid of getting in trouble if I stick it out?

And weren’t we all told as kids not to stick our tongues out?

Maybe I have a repressed tongue?

Maybe my tongue needs therapy…

To overcome the trauma of being scolded?

Maybe…

breathe

I just need to keep practicing…

In front of the mirror…

Because maybe…

My tongue doesn’t look as naughty as it feels?
Maybe.


Always, Em-Musing

RRRR YOU RRRREADY?

So...

I’m continuing to learn how to speak Spanish…

With all its nuances…

Like tongue placements…

Specifically, when saying certain letters of the alphabet…

Like “R”.

I’ve never had to think about “R” before…

Or where my tongue is in my mouth.

When I use an “R” in English…

The most I do is move is squeeze my chin down and purse my lower lip…

Keeping my tongue still at the bottom of my mouth.

But Spanish requires a lot more tongue movement.

For instance, “R” at the beginning of a word…

Gets rolled like  rrrrolled.

If “R”is in the middle of the word…

It gets a quick snap of the tongue past the teeth…

And up to the roof of the mouth.

And then there’s “D”…

That in Spanish gets a “th” sound…

But with the tongue sticking further out between the teeth.

“N” with an accent has the whole tongue pressed to the roof of the mouth

Like what you do when trying to get peanut butter unstuck.

Hmm?

Is it just me?

Or when you learned a new language…

Did your tongue have trouble...

Finding its place?

 Always, Em-Musing

ON MYOWN LAND

On my honor...
(but more likely my sanity)
I pledge...
To my future retreat guests to have...
Internet with more than one bar...
Tables that you won't knock your knees on...
Running hot water 24 hours a day...
A toilet that flushes efficiently...
Screens so no mosquitoes, tabanos...
Or any other biting creature can get you...
Satelite service so you can use your cell phone...
But more importantly...
Electricity.
You see...I'm staying in a gorgeous villa on the Caribbean...
While I'm here in Akumal starting my spiritual writer's retreat.
(My land is about a half mile away in the jungle)
And while not all of the above happen all at once...
Just one of the above per day is enough to make me cranky..
And adamant...
I will not subject my guests to any of these.
But on a more positive note...
Below are two photos of my land that is being cleared...
By my Mayan workers, Marco and Flore.
(Marco is waaay in the back)
Also...
The little furry critters are called coati...
And band together in packs.They live most anywhere...
But these guys came out of the jungle...
By the restaurant I went to.
And so...
I'm leaving for the states again soon...
Where I know I'll have consistent internet...
Catch up with ya'll soon.


















Always, Em-Musing

PLEASE BE MY GUEST

Today you can find me posting at:
The Maumee Valley Romance Writers of America  blog

a.k.a....MVRWA.

Please feel free to stop by and say...
Well...
You can say anything you want.
Also...
I'm heading south again...
To Akumal, Mexico...
And proceeding with my Eco Maya Jungle Retreat.
The Mayan workers are starting to clear my land today.
Yeah!
Adios...
And catch up with you soon. 


Always, Em-Musing