Showing posts with label writer's retreat. Show all posts
Showing posts with label writer's retreat. Show all posts

Monday, March 31, 2014

I'M EXPECTING!

Recently, I was told by my editor…
That when a person buys a book…
There’s an expectation…
And it's up to the author
To meet the readers expectation.
And of course the reader has an expectation
Because doesn’t everything we buy…
Come with an expectation?
Say for instance Jello…
If I buy Jello and make it
I expect it to, well, gel. Or is it Jel?
If I buy eggs…
I expect when I crack the shells…
To find eggs inside.
So why hadn’t I thought about expectations…
When I was writing my manuscript?
But in my defense…
It wasn’t like I was trying
To short circuit the author's expectations  
I enjoyed every word I wrote in the story 
Ah, and there’s the rub…
“I” was enjoying writing the story.
And what’s wrong with you that, you might ask?
Nothing, if I was the only one going to read my book.
My editor also pointed out that the reader
When reading my book
Might have a dialog in their head
That goes something like this…
“Why doesn’t she leave her putz of a husband?
Will she ever kiss the hero?
Why is there all this backstory? I’m not dumb!
Why is this chapter even in the book?
Or, huh? 
I thought I was reading a romance…
And now it's switched to contemporary? C’mon!”
And I’m not saying that the reader…
Would have a bitch session with other readers…
But in the reader’s mind these objections…
Might make them put my book down…
And use it as a coaster for their coffee cup.
Or worse - never buy from me again1
So?
My question to you, dear writer is this…
Do you picture your reader when you write?
How do you do it?
And do you have someone in particular?

Always,
Em-Musing

P.S. Coming soon—with soon being a relative concept—I will be providing details on my upcoming Writer’s Retreat.






Monday, September 16, 2013

KICKING SOME WHUP ASS

Are you a boxing fan?
I am.
Saturday night...
I watched the Mayweather & Canelo match.
An American vs a Mexicano
mayweather canelo
The crowd at the MGM Grand in Vegas...
Was filled with stars…
Like Jack Nicholson, Denzel Washington...
Magic Johnson, Charles Barkley, to name a few...
And Justin Bieber & Lil Wayne...
Who escorted Mayweather in.
I know, like whup whup who gives a f*#^k right?
And you gotta know that the bets were on!
The most exciting bet?
Mine...
Between me and mi amigo Mexicano…
If Mayweather lost…
I’d have to slurp down 5 raw oysters…
a.k.a. giant, slimy lugies…
Makes my stomach curdle even thinking about it.
If Canelo lost…
Mi amigo…
Who wanted to know what sane person eats this...
Would have to chuck down 5 pieces of pickled herring.
Finally the match began…
The tension was viscera!
Both men’s records were impressive…
26 KOs’ for Mayweather, no losses...
30 KO’s for Canelo, no losses.
It was youth (Canelo) vs age (Mayweather)…
Speed (Mayweather) vs power (Canelo)…
And I got to say, Mayweather was awesome…
Even though he’s 36…
He’s light on his feet and wollups quite a punch.
After 12 rounds the final decision was handed down…
YAY!!!!
Mayweather WON!
And..
YAY!!!!
No slimy lugies for me!
But mi pobre amigo…
Will now have to make good on his bet…
And chuck down pickled herring—in cream sauce!
BWAH HAHAHA!
And then he'll know...
Why Americanos with Swedish/Viking genes...
Can kick some serious culinary whup ass!
So?
Did you watch the fight?
And what food do you eat...
Kicks some whup ass?

Always, Em-Musing

P.S. And to all my Mexican amigos…
Happy Independence day!!!! 
Beginning in 1810 and 10 years of fighting..
Y'all finally whupped the Spanish's ass.
-mexican-flag-clipart-7

Friday, September 13, 2013

OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE

Is it me?
Or am I the only one whose body…
Likes to plays practical jokes?
A few weeks ago…
I blogged about me taking yoga..
And that prana is energy…
That moves through your body.
Well, in my case…
Prana likes to work its way out my lower half.
Like the other day in my yoga class…
“LEIGH!
You need to start that ayuredic diet I suggested!”
Gee! I thought she was OK with me releasing prana.
Guess prana was just too much today.
But wait a minute…
Now that I’m thinking about it…
The only time I’m plagued with exploding prana…
Is when I’m in certain places, certain situations…
Like in a movie theater…
In a car with friends and …
Each and every yoga class!
And then...
There are those demonic itches…
That only happen…
When you’re in say, a meeting, recital, or church…
And then it’s like little demons…
Are instigating the most intense itch ever…
Right in the middle of your back...
Making you squirm and wriggle in your seat…
As if you're having a seizure...
Just to scratch that itch somehow!
Or how about that tickly little cough…
That erupts in your throat…
When you’re at a party…
And you've got a glass in one hand...
And a plate piled with food in the other...
And the cough builds to a crescendo…
Causing you to cough and sneeze at the same time…
(and sometimes pee)
And you're desperately trying not to spill anything...
And then of course you nose starts running profusely…
And now people are backing away from you...
As if you've got the plague.
So?
Am I the only one...
Whose body is a jokester?


Always, Em-Musing

Monday, September 9, 2013

DICHOTO ME

Hmm?
Last week I chided myself twice…
One—for not being passionate enough…
About writing.
Two—bashing myself…
For not taking my Spanish lessons seriously.
And now let me add another element…
To this dichotic mix…
Editing.
Several months ago…
A publisher invited me to send her a manuscript.
And then…
A huge life altering incident occurred…
And my editing mind went bye-bye.
But this weekend…
I dusted off that manuscript…
And spent hours editing.
Oh, dear God that felt good!
My point in this post?
Balance.
Reestablishing balance in my life...
Finding time for everything I love to do.
I mean, c’mon…
I don’t have a kid in diapers…
I don’t work a nine to fiver…
I don’t have to take anyone to soccer or ballet…
I don’t have anyone to cook for anymore…
**tears here**
Me?
I can sustain…
On yogurt, fruit, granola, and carrot juice…
OK…
Occasionally I need a good thick, juicy steak…
But cooking aside…
A good portion of the hours of my day are mine…
So I think it’s time to redefine my time…
Because ‘life’…
Without my permission…
Redefined my life…
And now I’m taking control…
At least for what I can control.
So?
How good are you at controlling your time?


Always, Em-Musing

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

THE BLAH'S

Blah, blah, blahblahblah…
Blah, blah, blahblahblah…
Do you ever have moments…
Blah, blah, blahblahblah…
Blah, blah, blahblahblah…
When you’re really into a great thought…
Perhaps you just thought of a new character…
Or chapter in your W.I.P…
Or even trying to listen to a song on the radio…
Blah, blah, blahblahblah…
Blah, blah, blahblahblah…
But you’re with someone…
Who is monopolizing your ear space…
Blah, blah, blahblahblah…
Blah, blah, blahblahblah…
With nonsensical blah, blah?
You feign interest…
Even smile, hoping it’s appropriate…
All the while your ears are stressed...
Trying hard not to let in any of their blah, blah…
Dear God, I wish they’d shut up!
If they continue blathering...
I'll lose my idea on this new chapter I’m thinking about.
Blah, blah, blahblahblah…
Blah, blah, blahblahblah…
I don’t even know what they’re saying now…
Did they say something funny?
Laugh. I should laugh.
Oh, no! They’re saying someone died?
Now I must shake my head…
Look sad and make that ‘tch tch' sound.
Blah, blah, blahblahblah…
Blah, blah, blahblahblah…
I swear!
If they don’t shut up, I’ll lose this idea…
Where’s a pen and pad when I need it?
And then they finally shut up and leave…
And any clear thought you had...
Is gone, or hazy at best.
So?
Ever been through this?
Can you tune out the blah blah?
Or are you one of those multi-brainers...
Who can think, listen and talk at the same time?

Always, Em-Musing

Thursday, July 18, 2013

WRITE OF PASSAGE

I’m so thankful…
For eyes scans…
And fingerprinting.
Why you may ask?
Because of crazy signatures…
My crazy signature to be exact.
Let me explain…
You see in the last few days…
I had to go to…
Immigration, Hacienda (the federal tax office)
Telcel, (Mexico’s version of Verizon), and the bank.
I must have signed my name at least fifty times.
Not kidding.
And just so you know about signatures here in Mexico
You have to sign them exactly the same every time!
“What happens if I don’t,” I once asked my accountant.”
“I don’t know. Just don’t push your luck.”
But I ask you…
Whose signature looks the same every day?
And now I’m afraid…
That if I’m involved in ‘some’ kind of scenario…
Where my signature is being scrutinized…
It would go something like this:
You say you’re Leigh Caron? We don’t believe you.”
“Why?”
“You have more than a dozen different signatures.”
I look at them. I laugh. (not wise at a government office)
“They look the same to me,” I said.
“In this one,” the stern official is pointing…
“You mixed cursive and printing.”
“Oh, sure did. I might have had too much coffee.”
“And this one was scribbled all over the page.”
“Oh yeah, I remember, I was feeling sick.”
And that one? I think I had a margarita at lunch.
Let’s see, those other ones?
Maybe I was thinking about my manuscript? A new story?”
“That’s it! She’s a fraud! Take her away!!”
“But, but…but!”
So? See what I mean?
If this happens…
All I have to do is tell them, “Scan me, print me”…
Because unlike my signature…
That changes on a whim…
My eyes and fingers are locked in my body.
So?
Ever been eye-scanned? Fingerprinted?
And is your signature 100% the same all the time?
Have a great weekend…
I’ll catch up with you next week…
I’m off to see the flamingoes at Rio Lagartos.

Always, Em-Musing

Monday, May 13, 2013

SCANNY CAM

5:00 A.M. Sunday morning…
All I wanted to do…
Was drink my fresh brew…
Check emails…
And find a nice quote to post on Facebook...
About Mother’s Day…
When all of a sudden…
Up pops the Final Media Player Pop Up.
It needed updating or something.
Sure, sure go ahead—click.
A few minutes later it was done…
And then there another pop up to accept.
Sure, sure, I accept—click.
Then I accepted something else—click.
And another—click.
And another—click.
Wait!
What was I accepting?
Another pop up popped up and—DAMN!
I accepted Surf Canon? PC Optimizer?
Driver Scanner? Yahoo as my default browser…
And who knows how many more!
Are you kidding me? NO!
I didn’t realize I was accepting all of these!
It’s not fair to take advantage of me…
At 5:00 in the morning!
That’s it! I’ve had enough!
I’m going to invent….hmm…let me see…
I know—the SCANNY CAM…
This Scanny Cam will mount on computer screens…
Each time someone wants to use their computer…
They have to look at the screen and be scanned.
The Scanny Cam will then calculate:
Are the person's eyes fully open?
Is the person at the computer fully awake?
Is the person capable of comprehending anything?
If all these questions are not a ‘yes’…
Then the computer will not allow the person…
To download, buy, or accept anything.
And especially if the Scanny Cam…
Sees the person is taking out a credit card…
Then Scanny Cam will lock-up the keyboard...
Until the person can fully prove they are fully functioning.
So?
Have you ever been waylaid by pop ups?
Have you ever accepted way more than you wanted?

Always, Em-Musing

Monday, April 29, 2013

OH PURSEY, PURSEY HE


Hahahahahah!
Funniest damn thing I’ve seen in a long time…
There I was at a cute restaurant on the beach…
Waiting for my friend to show up…
When off a ways…
I see a man struggling.
Hahahahahaha!
With…
His purse!
OK, let me explain…
Here in Mexico
Many men carry what I call, man bags…
Old men, young men, business men, workers.
And these aren’t computer bags or backpacks.
They’re always nice leather bags…
With a thick strap…
Or woven Mayan or Mexican bags...
Slung across their chests...
None are very big though.
So there this guy was…
And whatever he needed in his bag…
He couldn’t get it out…
And was in the complete throngs of frustration…
Pulling things out, throwing them on the ground.
Hahahahahaha!
Oh, I don’t know why that visual tickled me…
But it did.
So tell me...
Do you think man bags are manly?
My thoughts? 
Hmm? Let me think...
Oh wait...
I'm getting a visual...
Of a Scottish man...
Wearing a kilt...
With his sporran purse over his—YES!
I think man bags are very sex...ur...I mean manly.
And guys?
Have you ever carried a man bag? 
Or worn a kilt?


Always, Em-Mazing