Tuesday, December 29, 2009


“What can we do for you today?” the young saleslady in the Verizon store asked.
“Something's wrong with my phone.”
“OK, just put in your name on this screen.”
I wanted to say, “No, you do it. That’s what you’re getting paid for.”
But I didn’t. I break out in hot flashes when angry. I wanted to remain calm.

But that was hard to do because . . .
My cell phone was not functioning AGAIN!
Not the touch pad. Not the voice activated commands . . .
And having to type my name and info just to get service made me . . .
Stay calm. Take your mind someplace that’ll make you feel happy.
After twenty  minutes, my name was finally was called.
“What can we do for you today,” the nice young man asked.
“Something's wrong with my phone.”
“What’s your cell number.”
“I already put that information in on the touch screen thingy by the door.”
“I know, but I need it again.”
I glared at him wanting to say something  . . .
Calm. Remain calm.
“This phone is no good anymore. And you already had a replacement.”
“I’m aware of that.”
“I’m sorry you’re having trouble.”
“It’s not my fault. I didn’t drop the phone, I took good care of it.”
“How about an upgrade to a different model?”
“For free?”
“No,” the young salesman said with a smirk.”
“But why would I buy a new phone? I like this one model.”
“Because this will be the second LG Voyager we’ll be giving you for free.”
“Because the other two were junk. And besides, I paid a lot of money for the first one.”
“But I can’t guarantee that a third LG Voyager will be any better.
“But it’s not my fault. My niece in California’s stepson works for Verizon and he said all LG Voyagers are bad phones.”
“That’s true.”
“So why do I have to pay for a new phone when it’s not my fault?’
Remain calm. Take off your wool hat. You’re starting to sweat.
“Well, you could have this model,” he said picking one off the shelf.
“I really don’t like it . . .
“This one is free.”
“Free? Well then . . .
“If  you add another line.”
“Another line?”
“Another phone number for just $ 9.99 a month.”
“Do I have to sign a contract for that line?”
“How long?”
“Two years.”
“Two years? That would be almost $250.00 with all the taxes.”
“But the phone is free . . .
Next time don’t wear your down-filled coat.
 “At $250.00, I’d hardly say the phone was free.”
“Well, technically the phone is.”
Take  off your wool scarf.
“When is my contract up so I qualify for a new phone?’
“November 2012.”
“Why so long? I thought it was every year?”
“Each time you got a replacement phone your contract was extended.”
“Are you kidding me? That’s not fair.”
Calm down and wipe your upper lip.

“That’s our policy, ma’am.”
“But it’s not my fault that your phones don’t work. I paid good money for this LG. I don’t want to pay more.”
“Well, there is this model I could let you have,” he said picking a small phone off the shelf.
“That thing? My five-year-old grandson has a bigger one.”
“But you can have this one for free.”
“But I don’t like it.”
You’re starting to look like a nutcase. Wipe the drops of sweat off of your face .
“And besides,” I said fumbling in my purse for a tissue, “it doesn’t have a keyboard. I tex a lot. And I like the touch pad.”
Take off that damn coat before you have a pool of sweat by your feet and it’ll look like you’ve peed.
“But this phone is free.”
“You’re not getting me are you?” I said taking both my hands and smearing the sweat on my face.
“I am NOT paying for a new phone. I DO NOT want that stupid little phone. I WANT a replacement!”
“Is everything OK over here?” An older salesperson said walking over.
Remain calm before they call the police.
After explaining my plight, the older salesperson said, “Give her a replacement.”
The young salesman glared at me as he reached down under the counter and took out another LG Voyager.
“What about transferring my information and photos?” I asked.
“You can . . .
“NO, you can do all that for me on that machine on the counter behind you!”
“Yes, ma’am. You should know that this LG might not . . .
“I don’t care. When this one doesn’t work, I’ll come in for a new one. And I’ll come in every few months for a new one till 2012.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
As I left the store, replacement phone in hand, I don’t know who was ahead in the score, me or Verizon.
But at least I felt I held my own.
I just wish I held a good phone.

Always, Em-Musing

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