GOT MONKEY?

They say we humans came from monkeys...

I don’t believe in evolution…

But if I did…

I’d say there’s one thing…

That monkeys do…

That I wish had evolved to be included with humans…

Grooming.

Every video clip I see of monkeys…

There’s always one monkey grooming another one.

I need that...

I need a monkey...

Who takes responsibility to groom me…

And tell me things like…

Pluck that long white hair growing out of your chin…

Or pluck that long black one growing out of your neck.

Or pick the spinach out of your teeth…

Or grab a tissue…

And get that moco hanging out of your nose…

And speaking of  your nose…

Get the scissors and clip the hairs out it.

(thank God I don’t have any hair growing out of my ears)

Or maybe I do!

And if I had a monkey it’d tell me that...

And a thousand other little details…

That require constant grooming.

And is it just me?

That the older I get…

The more I need more upkeep...

And that's why I need a monkey.

Hmm? Now that I think about it...

There are monkeys here in my jungle...

But on second thought, no...

I'd be afraid one day...

It'd go ninja on me and bite my face off.

So what about you?

Need a monkey?

Or...

Who's the monkey in your life?

Always, Em-Musing

THERE ARE NO WORDS TO DESCRIBE...

Since living in the jungle here in Mexico…

I’ve heard many sounds and calls of nature…

Animals, birds, and insects…

But the strangest sound of all?

Me…

While I have to capture and release…

Or sometimes KILL…

Something that either crawls into my home…

Or my cat, Indie brings in as a gift…

Bats, mice, geckos, lizards,

Toads, frogs, birds…

Snakes, spiders, and scorpions.

And with each confrontation…

I hear myself let out sissy yowls & screeches.

But the sissiest sound of all…

Came out of me the other day.

You see…

There’s a jaguar roaming the jungle…

A mom with two cubs.

Aw, cute you might say…

Well, not for the doggies and kitties it’s been killing.

So with that visual spinning in my head…

The other night…

When I opened to door to call my cat inside…

A large four-legged body…

Bounded up my patio steps right at me!

AHHHHYGAWWEEEENOOOJEEEEZENOOOO.

Well, something like that…

Because there are no words or letters in the alphabet…

To describe that sissy sound I made…

As I slammed the door…

Before whatever beast it was got in my house.

As my heart calmed down…

And my breathing slowed…

I realized…

Oh, hahaha…silly me…

It was the neighbors dog, Moira…

Who I sometimes feed.

But to defend my sissiness…

She’s a BIG doggie…

A rottweiler/great dane mix.

So, to all you writers out there…

If you were to write a scene…

Where you or a character…

Was going to be attacked by a jaguar….

What word or letters would you use…

To describe the noise?

And…

Ever let out a sissy sound? Why?

Always, Em-Musing

A WHORE'S GUIDE TO...

    

    A WHORE’S GUIDE

       TO KEEPING

           A MAN

      (advise from my mother)

To set the record straight, 

my mother was not a whore…

But she did teach me to be one.

AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

What in the hell did I just write?

This is not me!!!!

But this is what popped into my brain yesterday!!!!

From out of nowhere!!!!

And all you writers know how that happens, right?

(Please tell me you know how that happens!!!!)

And I can’t continue with this story…

BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW THE SUBJECT MATTER!!

The truth is all my mother said about keeping a man…

Was to keep his belly full.

Not the stuff for a good story.

The only explanation I have…

For the whorish ditty that popped into my head is…

It’s the rainy season here now…

It’s been raining non-stop for five weeks…

FIVE WEEKS!!!

There are no more places for water to go.

So obviously my brain is taking in water, right?

It’s water-logged!

And just so you don't think I'm totally loco...

My writer friend down here…

Also said she’s been getting weird thoughts too.

I’m just glad this story didn’t come with a voice…

Because if a voice gets into your head…

Then the story must be written.

You writer’s know this, right?

And I don't want a whore's voice in my head!!!!

So please sun!

Please come out today!

Let my brain dry out…

Let me get back to editing…

My humorous women’s fiction W.I.P.

Wait!

Hold the rain drops!

It’s coming to me now…

I think I remember why I wrote what I did.

Yesterday…

I was reading something about hooks and agents…

A line or title that would make an agent go, Whoa!

Yup, that’s it…

I was thinking of hooks…

And that’s why my mind went the way it did...

Well, um...

That would explain thinking of a hook…

But not about coming up with the subject matter.

Anyway, please don’t judge me…

After all…

I’ve got rain on the brain.

So?

How often do weird thoughts and/or voices…

Sneak into your head?

And do you know where they come from?

And...

Got any great hooks?

Always, Em-Musing

STORM ALERT!!!

A storm gathers across the galaxy…

Commanding the Cassan base on Tgren, Bryon

thought he’d put the days of battle behind him.

As a galaxy-wide war encroaches upon the desert planet,

Byron’s ideal life is threatened and he’s caught between

the Tgrens and the Cassans.

After enemy ships attack the desert planet, Byron discovers

another battle within his own family. The declaration of war

between all ten races triggers nightmares in his son,

threatening to destroy the boy’s mind.

Meanwhile, the ancient alien ship is transmitting a code that

might signal the end of all life in the galaxy. And the mysterious

probe that almost destroyed Tgren twenty years ago could return.

As his world begins to crumble, Bryon suspects a connection.

The storm is about to break and Bryon is caught in the middle.

CassaStorm  by Alex J. Cavanaugh

I am so pleased to feature…

The coolest guy in the blogosphere-

Alex J. Cavanaugh.

CassaStorm...

Is the third book in his Amazon Best Selling Series

It is being released TODAY!!

Find CassaStorm: Barnes and Noble, Amazon, Amazon Kindle, 

and Goodreads

Luv ya, Alex...

And I'm sending out positive vibes ...

That sales go through the stratosphere!!!

Always, Em-Musing

KICKING SOME WHUP ASS

Are you a boxing fan?

I am.

Saturday night...
I watched the Mayweather & Canelo match.
An American vs a Mexicano

The crowd at the MGM Grand in Vegas...
Was filled with stars…
Like Jack Nicholson, Denzel Washington...
Magic Johnson, Charles Barkley, to name a few...
And Justin Bieber & Lil Wayne...
Who escorted Mayweather in.

I know, like whup whup who gives a f*#^k right?
And you gotta know that the bets were on!

The most exciting bet?
Mine...
Between me and mi amigo Mexicano…

If Mayweather lost…

I’d have to slurp down 5 raw oysters…
a.k.a. giant, slimy lugies…
Makes my stomach curdle even thinking about it.

If Canelo lost…

Mi amigo…

Who wanted to know what sane person eats this...
Would have to chuck down 5 pieces of pickled herring.
Finally the match began…
The tension was viscera!

Both men’s records were impressive…

26 KOs’ for Mayweather, no losses...

30 KO’s for Canelo, no losses.

It was youth (Canelo) vs age (Mayweather)…
Speed (Mayweather) vs power (Canelo)…

And I got to say, Mayweather was awesome…

Even though he’s 36…

He’s light on his feet and wollups quite a punch.

After 12 rounds the final decision was handed down…

YAY!!!!

Mayweather WON!

And..

YAY!!!!

No slimy lugies for me!
But mi pobre amigo…

Will now have to make good on his bet…
And chuck down pickled herring—in cream sauce!
BWAH HAHAHA!

And then he'll know...
Why Americanos with Swedish/Viking genes...
Can kick some serious culinary whup ass!
So?
Did you watch the fight?
And what food do you eat...
Kicks some whup ass?

Always, Em-Musing

P.S. And to all my Mexican amigos…

Happy Independence day!!!! 
Beginning in 1810 and 10 years of fighting..
Y'all finally whupped the Spanish's ass.

OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE

Is it me?

Or am I the only one whose body…

Likes to plays practical jokes?

A few weeks ago…

I blogged about me taking yoga..

And that prana is energy…

That moves through your body.

Well, in my case…

Prana likes to work its way out my lower half.

Like the other day in my yoga class…

“LEIGH!

You need to start that ayuredic diet I suggested!”

Gee! I thought she was OK with me releasing prana.

Guess prana was just too much today.

But wait a minute…

Now that I’m thinking about it…

The only time I’m plagued with exploding prana…

Is when I’m in certain places, certain situations…

Like in a movie theater…

In a car with friends and …

Each and every yoga class!

And then...
There are those demonic itches…

That only happen…

When you’re in say, a meeting, recital, or church…

And then it’s like little demons…

Are instigating the most intense itch ever…

Right in the middle of your back...

Making you squirm and wriggle in your seat…

As if you're having a seizure...

Just to scratch that itch somehow!

Or how about that tickly little cough…

That erupts in your throat…

When you’re at a party…

And you've got a glass in one hand...

And a plate piled with food in the other...

And the cough builds to a crescendo…

Causing you to cough and sneeze at the same time…

(and sometimes pee)

And you're desperately trying not to spill anything...

And then of course you nose starts running profusely…

And now people are backing away from you...

As if you've got the plague.

So?

Am I the only one...

Whose body is a jokester?

Always, Em-Musing

DICHOTO ME

Hmm?

Last week I chided myself twice…

One—for not being passionate enough…

About writing.

Two—bashing myself…

For not taking my Spanish lessons seriously.

And now let me add another element…

To this dichotic mix…

Editing.

Several months ago…

A publisher invited me to send her a manuscript.

And then…

A huge life altering incident occurred…

And my editing mind went bye-bye.

But this weekend…

I dusted off that manuscript…

And spent hours editing.

Oh, dear God that felt good!

My point in this post?

Balance.

Reestablishing balance in my life...

Finding time for everything I love to do.

I mean, c’mon…

I don’t have a kid in diapers…

I don’t work a nine to fiver…

I don’t have to take anyone to soccer or ballet…

I don’t have anyone to cook for anymore…

**tears here**

Me?

I can sustain…

On yogurt, fruit, granola, and carrot juice…

OK…

Occasionally I need a good thick, juicy steak…

But cooking aside…

A good portion of the hours of my day are mine…

So I think it’s time to redefine my time…

Because ‘life’…

Without my permission…

Redefined my life…

And now I’m taking control…

At least for what I can control.

So?

How good are you at controlling your time?

Always, Em-Musing

WASTED TIME

Time = money?

Oh, you bettcha…

Especially when it's me doling out the dinero…

Twice a week…

Taking private Spanish lessons.

And it’s a good thing…

The only bad thing is…

I haven’t studied in a very long time…

And I need to be honest here…

I really never studied in school…

And though I never studied…

I sailed through on “B’s”…

Because I could.

No biggie you might say....

But I can tell you…

I’m having a hard time studying now…

Oh, I can study for say a minute or two…

But then my mind wanders, won’t stay focused….

Especially on days I want to blog.

But I can tell you, my Spanish is suffering.

And it’s not just me telling me…

**the other day during Spanish class**

Teacher: Okay Leigh, what does Vamos a Playa oy mean?

Me:      “   Uh…well…um…”

Teacher: “Leigh, didn’t you study?”

Me:          “Yes, of course I studied, um, well…

                okay, not that much.”

Teacher: “It’s fine with me, Leigh. It’s your money.

               But please don’t tell anyone I was your teacher

               if you haven’t learned to speak fluently by 

               Christmas. I have a reputation to keep, you know.”

Ouch! 

Her brutal honesty slapped my senses.

She was right.

I am spending money to learn.

And so I have to ask myself…

How much will I spend…

Before I take it seriously enough?

To devote all of my brain cells to learning it?

So…

I may be absent for awhile…

Because while I can physically multi-task…

Seems I’m not a multi-tasker thinker.

And CHA-CHING!

Time really does = $$$.

And I don’t’ want to waste either.

And when I'm not studying Spanish...

I need to devote my time to writing & editing.

So? How ‘bout you?

Can you multi-think?

Are you good at studying?

Got any tips?

Always, Em-Musing 

POBSISTENCE

Recently…

In a psychology magazine…

I read that obsession is a good thing…

Oh, I know…

Some will argue that being obsessive is a bad thing.

And I guess for that small minority…

Who are obsessively compulsive it is…

Because then it becomes a psychiatric disorder.

But what about the rest of us?

Especially when some psychologists are saying…

That obsession is the necessary ingredient…

To propel you to your goals…

Why?

Because obsession is stronger than passion.

Hmm?

For years…

I’ve been passionate about getting published…

But here I still am…

Still not pub’d.

So perhaps it’s true?

Maybe I need to crank up the level…

From passion to obsession?

What do you think?

Is there a difference between passion and obsession?

And if you’re pub’d…

Were you obsessive about it?

Did you crank up the level…

From passion to obsessive?

And how does persistence figure in?

Hmm?

Maybe there should be a new word…

That employs all three:

Passion + obsessive + persistence =

Obsepassitence.

Or how about, Possitence?

I don’t know…

You tell me what got you to being pub’d…

Or if you’re not yet pub’d…

What’s your driving force?

Always, Em-Musing