Wednesday, June 30, 2010


I’m used to my computer acting crazy…
And playing tricks on me.
But not my printer.
I was printing my query letter to send to an agent when–
Now what?
I looked on the digital message. What the–
I’m sick of printing this same letter!
It’s me you idiot—your printer sending this message.
I blinked hard. Must still have plica semilunaris (a.k.a. "sleep")  in my eyes.
Your eyes are fine. It’s your brain that’s needs help.
I kept blinking. What else can one do when their printer is sending strange messages?
Do you know how many times you’ve printed this same letter?
Well, HP, you’re not so bright after all. It’s the latest version.
Version smersion. The last three dozen copies, you’ve only changed a “this” or a “that.”
But you don’t understand, it has to be perfect.
YOU don’t understand. I’m sick of printing in black only.
But query letters have to be black ink only.
Says who?
All the agents. No fancy paper. No colored ink. No perfume. No glitter. And definitely no blood, fake or otherwise.
Then how about some colored business cards? You’re going to need them for RWA Nationals.
You know about RWA Nationals?
Hello? I sit here next to you all day. I hear you talk on the phone.
Well, actually I do need business cards, but I was–
What? Going to have them professionally printed? Why?
Because they have to look professional. No jagged edges. Even margins.
Well that’s the paper stock’s fault. I just print. What about a colored photo or two?
Well, I guess I could. But they never come out looking clear.
Because you let the color cartridge go dry. It’s your fault.
Fine then. After you print my query letters today, I’ll find something in color to print, OK?
I’d love that.
I need to ask you a question.
Why do you always jam or misprint when I need an envelope?
I’m old, I don’t like change. I–
Yes, you are old. Maybe I need to upgrade to a new–
NO! I promise I won’t jam anymore. I’ll be good.
Fine. And I promise to print something in color.
By the way, did I tell you your query letter is great?
How would you possibly know? You’re only a printer.
You underestimate my capabilities. I’m connected to your laptop.
And your laptop is connected to the Internet.
When you're gone I surf the net.
And I’ve compared yours to others.
While your earlier versions were stinkers, this version is great.
Why, thank you…
By the way. I’m sick of you using Arial font. Why don’t you try mine?
Which is?

Always, Em-Musing


Joanne said...

Cute post ... And best wishes on those queries your HP printer is working so diligently to perfectly print! It's all about the teamwork :)

T. Anne said...

LOL! I for one am not opposed to colorful business cards. ;) Very fun.